Funny Girl Barbra Streisand Guest Columnist

Aug. 28, 1964

Kilgallen column

(Dorothy Kilgallen is on vacation. Her guest columnist today is the phenomenal star of "Funny Girl," Barbra Streisand.)

By Barbra Streisand

Baked potatoes are no good fresh — they must be old and cooked and reheated several times. What fascinates me are can openers and magnetic potholders. What imagination! Who could have thought of things like that? Apple-corers! What's so fantastic about bombs? It's a grapefruit knife — that's genius.

Life is beautiful when I remember subways, knowing I don't have to take them now, especially in Summer when the huge overhead fans circulate the air, shoving stinky air from one corner to the other.

It was fun to steal. Things seemed so much more valuable. It was not just the package of gum I stole, but also the wrapper, the joke inside, the colors, the printing. Boy, oh boy!

I love pigs. I'm mad for pigs. Anything that's shaped like a pig. I like penguins too. They're great.

Remember the movie "THEM"? Terrific. Did you ever see the face of the Lone Ranger? He probably had black circles under his eyes and they didn't carry Max Factor in the local general store.

I was bald until I was two.

It's nothing to be a singer or a dancer or an actor. The thing is jugglers. I used to put them down until I saw a pair of juggling brothers — the timing, the discipline, the precision, the imagination, their sense of humor! It was brilliant.

I was such an anemic kid my mother wouldn't let me take dancing lessons. She was afraid my bones would break.

When I was in Hollywood they asked me if I wanted to be in films. I told them I had a job.

Las Vegas is divine. It's like a big game of Monopoly with real money. I thought I was getting a free cab ride once when I had no singles and the driver accepted a five dollar chip and gave me back four silver dollars. Money means nothing. It's lost and it's won without a word being said. I have never before seen such honesty, such a code of ethics; the dealers take a man's last dollar and give away fortunes — all in silence, all with great dignity.

In some nightclubs, when people offered to buy me a drink, I'd ask for potatoes.

Once I was real strong for Zen Buddhism, but I lost the book.

I would like to live in a dump or a palace. Nothing in between. Wire hangers and window shades are very frightening.

I hate diamonds. I like garnets, jade, emeralds, and rubies in old settings. Interviews are weird. By the time they appear in print they look funny to me, because my attitude changes from week to week. In fact, now I love diamonds!

Only cheap, dirty restaurants — preferably luncheonettes — have good hamburgers. (And, by the way, the best baked potatoes. I'm an expert on those.)

The best fried chicken I know of comes with a TV dinner.

The important thing is to make unimportant things important. Why bother with beading a bag? Yes, bother with beading a bag! I wish I were a squaw or maybe Chinese.

Success is nice in many ways, but there's one thing I don't like about it. People recognize me now. It's hard to steal. .

End.

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